I miss writing!
“intuition is always right in at least two important ways; It is always in response to something. it always has your best interest at heart” ― Gavin de Becker
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
I have to stop beating myself up
While, yes, I do regret sending that email I have to stop beating myself up and feeling like a monster by doing so.
I was thinking about it this morning, trying my best to figure out what drove me to this point and I realized I felt like I was drowning.
Instinct when drowning is to fight, even though, most of the time if you let go and relax you will rise to the top and float, right?
I went with instinct though. I felt like I was drowning and he was standing on the bow of a boat holding a life ring ... just holding it and promising to throw it when he was ready. But .... I was sinking and I was sinking fast ... so I fought to grab hold of that life ring myself.
Right or wrong .... done is done, but I have to, now, not only figure out how to heal from his actions but from my own.
I was thinking about it this morning, trying my best to figure out what drove me to this point and I realized I felt like I was drowning.
Instinct when drowning is to fight, even though, most of the time if you let go and relax you will rise to the top and float, right?
I went with instinct though. I felt like I was drowning and he was standing on the bow of a boat holding a life ring ... just holding it and promising to throw it when he was ready. But .... I was sinking and I was sinking fast ... so I fought to grab hold of that life ring myself.
Right or wrong .... done is done, but I have to, now, not only figure out how to heal from his actions but from my own.
Monday, August 12, 2013
My Kids
I am blessed with wonderful kids! Very polite, well mannered and most important - kindhearted. They both make me very proud. Neither was "difficult" to raise and we always, always got compliments on their behavior and sweetness, from strangers, family and friends and teachers/school faculty.
Boychild is 22 and, as I've said before, a police officer (K-9) in the town where he was born and raised. Sometimes I worry about his sweetness disappearing with that job (pretty common occurrence, unfortunately), but so far, so good. He is dating a young woman who seems to love him a lot. He never really had a "relationship" in high school or after (that I know of, lol), although, of course, he did date. He takes relationships seriously and I feel like it took this long for him to find the girl he felt he was ready to be public with. She has a sweet little boy who crawled right up in my lap the first time he met me and I hope, that if this is best for them all, that their relationship grows and grows.
Girlchild is 19 and starting her 3rd semester of college in a couple of weeks. She lives with me and has dated a really good young man for 2 years now. Unlike her brother she has had "relationships" and the first two were turds who I wouldn't mind giving a beat down to. Her boyfriend pretty much lives with us. Not everyone agrees with this lifestyle, but I'd much rather them be here than for her to be in his dorm room with people I don't know .... plus they both give my household happiness and joy. Until he moved in I never would have guessed I'd be "OK" with it but ... I am and I feel like those who judge our lives simply do not matter!
The only thing I wish about/for my kids is that they'd get along better. They talk sooooo ugly to each other :-( It really breaks my heart. They love each other and would protect each other in a SECOND, but when they are together it is just ugly tones and snapping. Maybe they'll outgrow it?
I'm just so proud of them, they are who they always were, even as babies. He is a night owl and she needs a LOT of sleep. He is sweet and she is spunky, but sweet when necessary. She is a crack-up and he is the kind who comes out of NO-WHERE with a comment that makes you laugh out loud.
Goodhearted, sweet and kind -- what mama could ask for more??? <3
Boychild is 22 and, as I've said before, a police officer (K-9) in the town where he was born and raised. Sometimes I worry about his sweetness disappearing with that job (pretty common occurrence, unfortunately), but so far, so good. He is dating a young woman who seems to love him a lot. He never really had a "relationship" in high school or after (that I know of, lol), although, of course, he did date. He takes relationships seriously and I feel like it took this long for him to find the girl he felt he was ready to be public with. She has a sweet little boy who crawled right up in my lap the first time he met me and I hope, that if this is best for them all, that their relationship grows and grows.
Girlchild is 19 and starting her 3rd semester of college in a couple of weeks. She lives with me and has dated a really good young man for 2 years now. Unlike her brother she has had "relationships" and the first two were turds who I wouldn't mind giving a beat down to. Her boyfriend pretty much lives with us. Not everyone agrees with this lifestyle, but I'd much rather them be here than for her to be in his dorm room with people I don't know .... plus they both give my household happiness and joy. Until he moved in I never would have guessed I'd be "OK" with it but ... I am and I feel like those who judge our lives simply do not matter!
The only thing I wish about/for my kids is that they'd get along better. They talk sooooo ugly to each other :-( It really breaks my heart. They love each other and would protect each other in a SECOND, but when they are together it is just ugly tones and snapping. Maybe they'll outgrow it?
I'm just so proud of them, they are who they always were, even as babies. He is a night owl and she needs a LOT of sleep. He is sweet and she is spunky, but sweet when necessary. She is a crack-up and he is the kind who comes out of NO-WHERE with a comment that makes you laugh out loud.
Goodhearted, sweet and kind -- what mama could ask for more??? <3
That moment when you realize you've become something you detest
definitely NOT a good feeling! Hopefully, however, a moment that will lead to healing, peace and growth.
A few days ago I was thinking about all the "stuff" I've been posting about and for the first time my hurt turned to anger. So much anger and I wanted so badly to say something that was very, very, very ugly and hurtful (to him). I wanted very, very, very badly to share proof (with her), proof I am ashamed of.
Then I realized BOTH of these things are not me. They are not me. They are, in fact, WORSE than looking like a liar, when I am not one, because they can truly turn me into something I do not ever want to be.
I am not mean, I am not hurtful, and I am not the kind of person who would do these two things .... but I almost was. How did I let all of this lead me to that? Or thankfully, ALMOST lead me to that?
I also realized, during this self-examination, that the desire for him to tell the truth is essentially ASKING him to hurt someone else. What kind of person WANTS that? I'm not that kind of person. Or I wasn't. I don't want to be.
I do not like what I've allowed this to turn me into. Yes, ALLOWED. I cannot change what he did, I cannot change the words she said, I cannot make him speak the truth, I cannot do anything about any of this except stop letting it change me, for the worse.
Does this mean I am magically OK? Magically healed? Magically letting go? Of course not.
Time. Time will heal these wounds. I have to just give it time. I have to focus on the good in my life, of which there IS an abundance. If I really do that time might just speed up .... a little.
As for people thinking I lied (her and her friends) ... those who KNOW me know better and, really, they are the only ones who matter. My pride can take this beating (and yeah, it is embarrassing to look like what you're not) as long as the people who love me still believe I am who I am. Honest and true.
A few days ago I was thinking about all the "stuff" I've been posting about and for the first time my hurt turned to anger. So much anger and I wanted so badly to say something that was very, very, very ugly and hurtful (to him). I wanted very, very, very badly to share proof (with her), proof I am ashamed of.
Then I realized BOTH of these things are not me. They are not me. They are, in fact, WORSE than looking like a liar, when I am not one, because they can truly turn me into something I do not ever want to be.
I am not mean, I am not hurtful, and I am not the kind of person who would do these two things .... but I almost was. How did I let all of this lead me to that? Or thankfully, ALMOST lead me to that?
I also realized, during this self-examination, that the desire for him to tell the truth is essentially ASKING him to hurt someone else. What kind of person WANTS that? I'm not that kind of person. Or I wasn't. I don't want to be.
I do not like what I've allowed this to turn me into. Yes, ALLOWED. I cannot change what he did, I cannot change the words she said, I cannot make him speak the truth, I cannot do anything about any of this except stop letting it change me, for the worse.
Does this mean I am magically OK? Magically healed? Magically letting go? Of course not.
Time. Time will heal these wounds. I have to just give it time. I have to focus on the good in my life, of which there IS an abundance. If I really do that time might just speed up .... a little.
As for people thinking I lied (her and her friends) ... those who KNOW me know better and, really, they are the only ones who matter. My pride can take this beating (and yeah, it is embarrassing to look like what you're not) as long as the people who love me still believe I am who I am. Honest and true.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Rambles
- Rambling today because I haven't posted in a while.
- I went on vacation to New Jersey with my sis to stay with a friend, we flew into Pennsylvania and made a day trip to NYC. Pretty dang cool for SE GA girls to get go to "The City" ;-)
- We had an incredible time and found that NYC was NOT the least bit scary! Well, except two things: The taxi ride and how confusing the transportation is. The first I'd NEVER get used to but I am sure I'd eventually "get" the transportation routes/locations.
- I love it "up north" ... the climate is awesome. In the summer months anyway. LOL
- I decided to try and transfer with my job a little further north and it wasn't until just a day or so ago I realized that wouldn't work for me. I admit I was disappointed. I work retail, in management, so that means that I have no choice but to work holidays. That is one of the biggest parts of the job ... and the days of and leading to said holidays are "blacked out" in time off requests. I cannot ever put myself in a position that I won't see my kids on Christmas. So, in SE GA I stay.
- In "other" news: he never did tell the truth. I knew he wouldn't. Knew that was a promise destined to be broken. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
- I wish I could hate him. I think it would help us both. I think it would help me "release" and it would help him stop running. Hate is a different kind of emotion than pain. He cannot deal with "pain" or "hurt".
- She told me if I had anything to get off my chest to do so, so I did. I sent a very long email skimming over the last 3 years and explaining why I am where I am. I skimmed for 2 reasons: some things are too personal and it would have been a book had I gone there.
- She didn't believe a word I said. At first she was angry towards me but in the end she acted nice. I knew it wasn't "real" (the niceness) but it helped end a conversation that probably never should have started to begin with, so I'm good with it.
- I sent the email to him but he told me prior to that he wouldn't read it. Yes, that made me angry. He created this hell and thinks it is OK to simply ignore it and the pain he's caused. Not cool.
- I saw this quote this morning:
| “In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” | |
|
Sunday, July 28, 2013
God Grant Me ......
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen
It may not always seem like it, since I am up and down and all around with my postings here ... but that is my reality right now. I'm trying hard to do exactly what this prayer says ... but it is hard.
I talked to him yesterday and he expressed his regrets of all of this. Primarily he is upset that he threw away/destroyed the one thing he never, ever wanted to lose -- my friendship. I told him I do not know if it can be repaired, I hope so, but I cannot make any promises. I just can't.
I told him that a liar is the one thing I hate most in this world, well -- reminded him of this really, because he knows this already. I told him that a man who hits a woman is the one thing he hates most in this world. I asked him how he would feel if someone thought he abused me, that he hit me, like his bio dad did his mom --- and I REFUSED to defend him, REFUSED to stand up and say, "NO, he never, ever laid a hand on me in anger, EVER". I told him this is exactly how I feel being painted as a liar when I am not. How does one bear looking like the one thing they hate most?
I told him that a liar is the one thing I hate most in this world, well -- reminded him of this really, because he knows this already. I told him that a man who hits a woman is the one thing he hates most in this world. I asked him how he would feel if someone thought he abused me, that he hit me, like his bio dad did his mom --- and I REFUSED to defend him, REFUSED to stand up and say, "NO, he never, ever laid a hand on me in anger, EVER". I told him this is exactly how I feel being painted as a liar when I am not. How does one bear looking like the one thing they hate most?
I fully acknowledged to him that I KNOW this is difficult for him. I know he doesn't want to cause anyone else pain, nor do I. I feel guilty, at times, for even wanting him to admit he lied. Maybe I should just accept this burden, of being thought to be this awful thing, and move on. Just a post or two on here I was talking about deciding peace was more important than me being freed from this prison. I meant it when I said it .... but I also knew there would be good days and bad days mixed in with this healing, yes?
I can look at him and see his pain, over this and everything else. Even now (during this last talk), the "love and regret" words are still being uttered. Do I believe them? Oddly, yes. Does it change a thing? No.
For the first time, ever, I think along with that I finally believe he will never change. He will never forgive himself, never move past his past, never heal. He's a prisoner of his own self-hate. This truly breaks my heart. For him, for me, for everyone. This one hope is what has kept me hanging on to the "love and regret" words for these last few years.
As for finally speaking up for me and telling the truth, he promises he will, soon. But like I told him -- I cannot trust he will keep this promise and I'll never know if he does. So, really - will I ever be free?
These two things; accepting he's truly lost and accepting he likely will break this promise too ... these are the things I need this prayer for. God Grant Me .......
I can look at him and see his pain, over this and everything else. Even now (during this last talk), the "love and regret" words are still being uttered. Do I believe them? Oddly, yes. Does it change a thing? No.
For the first time, ever, I think along with that I finally believe he will never change. He will never forgive himself, never move past his past, never heal. He's a prisoner of his own self-hate. This truly breaks my heart. For him, for me, for everyone. This one hope is what has kept me hanging on to the "love and regret" words for these last few years.
As for finally speaking up for me and telling the truth, he promises he will, soon. But like I told him -- I cannot trust he will keep this promise and I'll never know if he does. So, really - will I ever be free?
These two things; accepting he's truly lost and accepting he likely will break this promise too ... these are the things I need this prayer for. God Grant Me .......
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Kick in the Butt
I wrote on here not long ago about having an EKG done, but I neglected to follow up after I went to a doctor to discuss.
I've been having dizzy spells for 2 or 3 months. Two of the events were pretty significant, as in all I could do was fall into bed and pray for the world to stop spinning .... the rest have been the kind that hit you hard and fast and fade away.
I've also been having a lot of swelling in my lower right leg and ankle along with vague issues like fatigue and general "not feeling well."
Then came the chest pains that eventually sent me to the walk-in clinic.
After going to the doctor I think I know why the clinic simply looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the ER, even though we don't see anything "remarkable" on your EKG" ... the new doctor told me that EKG looked like what you'd expect from a long time opium user. Uh, what??
She did an EKG herself and did tell me it wasn't good. She said that was all she wanted to talk about for now, because it was one test and looking at just one piece of a puzzle just caused stress and upset. She ordered a slew of blood tests and said we'd discuss it all when I get back from my vacation.
I have no idea what is going on, I admit to being a little frightened. Not a lot though. It is what it is and I'll deal with it.
Weird, just a few months ago I decided to take control of my health and I have started eating MUCH better, I've lost weight, I've been exercising .... but I think the last 20+ years of abuse is about to come kick me in my dumb ass.
I've been having dizzy spells for 2 or 3 months. Two of the events were pretty significant, as in all I could do was fall into bed and pray for the world to stop spinning .... the rest have been the kind that hit you hard and fast and fade away.
I've also been having a lot of swelling in my lower right leg and ankle along with vague issues like fatigue and general "not feeling well."
Then came the chest pains that eventually sent me to the walk-in clinic.
After going to the doctor I think I know why the clinic simply looked at me and said "Yeah, you need to go to the ER, even though we don't see anything "remarkable" on your EKG" ... the new doctor told me that EKG looked like what you'd expect from a long time opium user. Uh, what??
She did an EKG herself and did tell me it wasn't good. She said that was all she wanted to talk about for now, because it was one test and looking at just one piece of a puzzle just caused stress and upset. She ordered a slew of blood tests and said we'd discuss it all when I get back from my vacation.
I have no idea what is going on, I admit to being a little frightened. Not a lot though. It is what it is and I'll deal with it.
Weird, just a few months ago I decided to take control of my health and I have started eating MUCH better, I've lost weight, I've been exercising .... but I think the last 20+ years of abuse is about to come kick me in my dumb ass.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Peace
“Peace is always beautiful.”
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last week and I have decided that peace is more valuable to me than the need for someone to do the right thing is, more valuable than the need for someone who doesn't even know me, to know the truth about me.
Letting Go, Letting God.
I am not saying I won't have bad moments, because I will, that is all part of healing and my healing starts tonight.
― Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last week and I have decided that peace is more valuable to me than the need for someone to do the right thing is, more valuable than the need for someone who doesn't even know me, to know the truth about me.
Letting Go, Letting God.
I am not saying I won't have bad moments, because I will, that is all part of healing and my healing starts tonight.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Wednesday Morning Rambles
- I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, even more than my postings lately suggest.
- Today I feel like: the person who is choosing to believe I lied, is doing so because it is what she needs to believe. It isn't about me at all. I've been there, I've done that. I cannot and do not judge that. I hate that it paints me as a bad person but .... it really isn't about me in the end.
- I am supposed to have a conversation tonight with someone about ^ and some other stuff. I am considering canceling. It almost seems pointless. I will have to do some heavy thinking on that today.
- I'm 12 lbs from my goal weight. MY goal weight. Not what the charts say. This has been a long and hard journey. I am not ashamed to admit I feel proud of what I am accomplishing here.
- I go to the doctor today for the first time in years. I don't like doctors and I am not looking forward to this. Yes, I am aware this makes me a baby.
- Girlchild and I went to lunch and to get a pedicure last weekend. It was fun. I <3 my baby girl.
- I haven't seen boychild much lately. He is working a lot of overtime, that is how most po po make their money since their pay scale is unjustifiably low.
- I have to go to work for one stinking hour today for a managers meeting. Ugh. LOL. This ramble will be short because I really need to get motivated to dress and go.
- VACATION in 8 days. I am so excited and ready to go!!
- I have a lot to do between now and then and today is my ONLY day off until I leave and I am spending it in a manager's meeting .... and a doctor's appointment. It will get done ;-)
- I feel better today than I have in a long time.
- I think ^ is a step in the right direction.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Love and Regret
I was scrolling through pinterest last night and saw this quote and it caught my eye:
I definitely find it to be true, well .... for me. I have been lied to for a long, long, LONG time now. Some, I didn't believe, but told myself, and him that I did. Well, that isn't entirely true. It isn't that I didn't believe, it is more that I had doubts ..... I recognized, even then, that some of the "details" in the explanations/words didn't add up. They either made no sense, or they were different (even if just slightly) than what was said before. So, on some level I think I do recognize that all along I "knew" . I think, in hindsight, this quote IS correct about these three "situations". Deep in my heart, I knew, but I believed the lies because I wanted to. Again, for many reasons. Reasons best saved for another day, another post. Maybe.
But that isn't the only thing he said over this time period. There were other things too. Serious things. I sit here now and try to decide if ANY of it was true. Primarily the "love and regret" portion of it all.
In some ways it hardly matters now.
But, I sit here and think, ALL along the stories changed, the confessions happened, the admissions of lies occurred, but the, "I love you and will regret this", NEVER changed. Not one single time. Not once during any of the other admissions did that ever, ever change.
Does that make it true? Or simply the biggest lie he ever told?
I told him just yesterday that I won't even ask if it was (is) true because at this point he could say one of three things: 1. Yes, always true. 2. No, I really thought I was being kind or 3. I do not know, I do not know how I feel or why I said those things.
He could say ANY of those (or something my heart hasn't yet thought of) and I wouldn't believe him. After all of this .... how could I believe a single word?
Which do I believe is true?
Oddly enough .... I think it is "all of the above".
And I think that is what is the biggest contributor to the hell we've both been through for a long, long, time.
Last August, a year ago next month, I finally had to say I needed things finalized, that I could not wait for him to be "ready" any longer. I've had to keep asking since then, many times (that's a whole 'nother post, for another day) for it to happen. Things have even gotten very ugly here and there, because I felt he was content for things to stay as they were (with us), but he also wanted to live his life at the same time. At times that made me feel like his safety net, at times it made me feel like I was tied up before the execution wall, blindfolded and waiting for the "ax to fall", so to speak. I also admit, that stupidly enough, at times, it made me hopeful that one day, he'd find the real him again. Well, after months of pure hell, it is finally here and I am full of questions ... I question every single thing I ever said and did, wondering if it was right or wrong.
Funny, because in my very first post here (Feb. 2011), on this blog, I mentioned ^ in passing. All mention of this issue through-out the last couple of years has been in passing. That whole "too private" stuff I guess. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing things to remain the same for so long. That is probably, in part, why I don't share and remain private.
But, I am also full of hope for tomorrow. Well, most days I am anyway.
Anyway, back to the quote. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else push aside those nagging little thoughts of "Wait, that really doesn't make sense" or "Is this really the truth" and simply believe because they want or need to believe that they want to be true?
I definitely find it to be true, well .... for me. I have been lied to for a long, long, LONG time now. Some, I didn't believe, but told myself, and him that I did. Well, that isn't entirely true. It isn't that I didn't believe, it is more that I had doubts ..... I recognized, even then, that some of the "details" in the explanations/words didn't add up. They either made no sense, or they were different (even if just slightly) than what was said before. So, on some level I think I do recognize that all along I "knew" . I think, in hindsight, this quote IS correct about these three "situations". Deep in my heart, I knew, but I believed the lies because I wanted to. Again, for many reasons. Reasons best saved for another day, another post. Maybe.
But that isn't the only thing he said over this time period. There were other things too. Serious things. I sit here now and try to decide if ANY of it was true. Primarily the "love and regret" portion of it all.
In some ways it hardly matters now.
But, I sit here and think, ALL along the stories changed, the confessions happened, the admissions of lies occurred, but the, "I love you and will regret this", NEVER changed. Not one single time. Not once during any of the other admissions did that ever, ever change.
Does that make it true? Or simply the biggest lie he ever told?
I told him just yesterday that I won't even ask if it was (is) true because at this point he could say one of three things: 1. Yes, always true. 2. No, I really thought I was being kind or 3. I do not know, I do not know how I feel or why I said those things.
He could say ANY of those (or something my heart hasn't yet thought of) and I wouldn't believe him. After all of this .... how could I believe a single word?
Which do I believe is true?
Oddly enough .... I think it is "all of the above".
And I think that is what is the biggest contributor to the hell we've both been through for a long, long, time.
Last August, a year ago next month, I finally had to say I needed things finalized, that I could not wait for him to be "ready" any longer. I've had to keep asking since then, many times (that's a whole 'nother post, for another day) for it to happen. Things have even gotten very ugly here and there, because I felt he was content for things to stay as they were (with us), but he also wanted to live his life at the same time. At times that made me feel like his safety net, at times it made me feel like I was tied up before the execution wall, blindfolded and waiting for the "ax to fall", so to speak. I also admit, that stupidly enough, at times, it made me hopeful that one day, he'd find the real him again. Well, after months of pure hell, it is finally here and I am full of questions ... I question every single thing I ever said and did, wondering if it was right or wrong.
Funny, because in my very first post here (Feb. 2011), on this blog, I mentioned ^ in passing. All mention of this issue through-out the last couple of years has been in passing. That whole "too private" stuff I guess. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing things to remain the same for so long. That is probably, in part, why I don't share and remain private.
But, I am also full of hope for tomorrow. Well, most days I am anyway.
Anyway, back to the quote. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else push aside those nagging little thoughts of "Wait, that really doesn't make sense" or "Is this really the truth" and simply believe because they want or need to believe that they want to be true?
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