God Grant Me ......

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen

It may not always seem like it, since I am up and down and all around with my postings here ... but that is my reality right now.  I'm trying hard to do exactly what this prayer says ... but it is hard.  

I talked to him yesterday and he expressed his regrets of all of this.  Primarily he is upset that he threw away/destroyed the one thing he never, ever wanted to lose -- my friendship. I told him I do not know if it can be repaired, I hope so, but I cannot make any promises.  I just can't.

I told him that a liar is the one thing I hate most in this world, well -- reminded him of this really, because he knows this already.  I told him that a man who hits a woman is the one thing he hates most in this world.  I asked him how he would feel if someone thought he abused me, that he hit me, like his bio dad did his mom --- and I REFUSED to defend him, REFUSED to stand up and say, "NO, he never, ever laid a hand on me in anger, EVER".   I told him this is exactly how I feel being painted as a liar when I am not.  How does one bear looking like the one thing they hate most?

I fully acknowledged to him that I KNOW this is difficult for him.  I know he doesn't want to cause anyone else pain,  nor do I.  I feel guilty, at times, for even wanting him to admit he lied.    Maybe I should just accept this burden, of being thought to be this awful thing, and move on.  Just a post or two on here I was talking about deciding peace was more important than me being freed from this prison.   I meant it when I said it .... but I also knew there would be good days and bad days mixed in with this healing, yes?

I can look at him and see his pain, over this and everything else.  Even now (during this last talk), the "love and regret" words are still being uttered. Do I believe them?  Oddly, yes. Does it change a thing?  No.

For the first time, ever, I think along with that I finally believe he will never change.  He will never forgive himself, never move past his past, never heal.  He's a prisoner of his own self-hate.  This truly breaks my heart.  For him, for me, for everyone.  This one hope is what has kept me hanging on to the "love and regret" words for these last few years.

As for finally speaking up for me and telling the truth, he promises he will, soon.  But like I told him -- I cannot trust he will keep this promise and I'll never know if he does.  So, really - will I ever be free?

These two things; accepting he's truly lost and accepting he likely will break this promise too ... these are the things I need this prayer for.  God Grant Me .......