Feelings

I'm struggling with some major feelings lately and really just do not know how to process.  I know I need to pray more, esp about my OWN heart but .... I am struggling there too.

When my husband decided he no longer wanted to be married I was blown away.  I knew we were in a rough spot -- had drifted apart.  I tried to talk to him about it at least a year prior.  At that time, he assured me he was just under a lot of stress b/c of work and his mom's illness and we were fine.  Assured me he loved me and all that nonsense.   

Then after his mom passed -- he wanted out.  He wanted to be alone.  He wanted to think.  Decide.  Whatever. (condensed version of a personal story)

So, where did that leave me?  Cast out alone trying to figure out how to survive. Not just emotionally but financially.  During out marriage, we made the decision for me to concentrate on the family vs. working full time/career/whatever.  I mean, I always worked (save 2 yrs when kids were small) , but never concentrated on a job that paid well and lead to retirement.

20+ yrs later, that decision left me struggling.

Granted I COULD have been a real hateful byotch and demanded from him all that the law states I am entitled to. I could have demanded a much higher child support than we agreed on, I could have asked for and gotten alimony .... I could have probably even gotten our house.  But I didn't.  I was determined I COULD make it on my own. 

Unfortunately, the decision to concentrate on my family left me unprepared for that.  No real job training, no real education, not so young, and a job-market that pretty much sucks.  Oh joy.

I survived though.  I currently work two jobs.  Some weeks I work 40 hours.  Some weeks I work 60.  I, on average, have one day off every 10 or 12 days.  I'm pretty tired.  But I am making it -- on my own.

I didn't realize how bitter and angry I was about it all though until this week.  I didn't realize how angry I was at him.  I mean -- hello!  He vowed all that crap you vow and instead I feel like he tossed me out to sea w/o a life raft. 

I didn't sink though.  I learned to swim.

So why am I bitter and angry?

I don't know. 

Why are all these emotions hitting me now?

I'm not supposed to say yet -- because job1 hasn't made it official or public and I haven't been able to talk to my boss at job2 but this coming month I am being promoted at job1.   This means I will be able to work one job AND make the most money I've ever made in my life.  This means I WILL make it on my own w/o the struggle I've had for almost a year now.

This means I did it. ON MY OWN.

Am I happy and proud?  yes.

So why am I suddenly so angry at him?

I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me.  I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't truly LOVE me.  I don't expect him to stay married to "take care of me". Heck, I've been taking care of myself for a while now.  It hasn't been easy but I've been doing it.   So why am I angry?  Why am I bitter?

Or is this because I suspect the final thread that holds us together may now be severed?  He's not filed for a divorce yet.  I have no idea why.  I told him when we split that he would have to file, when he was ready.  He's not reached the point where he is ready to let go yet. I have no idea why.  He claims he doesn't know why.  Part of me has always wondered if it was b/c I worked the two jobs and he felt such guilt over that ... but ... that makes no sense, does it? I mean, he clearly had NO problem with tossing me out to sea, knowing I'd struggle like I am.  Maybe my own safety net is gone?

Steps.  Life is all about steps.  Letting go, moving on, steps. 

This job is a step to many things.  I just don't know what "things" yet. But - I will survive.  I always do.  I just hate bitter feelings.  Help me pray them away.

And know -- even though I am in a personal/emotional struggle I am thankful to God for opening the doors (there was a long path to this moment, lol) that lead to this career opportunity.