Flaws

Do you ever sit back and think about what you want to change about yourself?

Not the obvious stuff like:  eat better, lose weight, exercise .....

No, the hard stuff, looking at yourself and deciding what you want ... NEED .... to change?  I firmly believe we should be kind to ourselves and love ourselves but we also have to be honest.  We have to soul search and identify our flaws and try to fix them.

I am way too emotional.  I react to things way too quickly and lately, I behave ugly.  I say things I do not mean.  I yell.  Cry.   I accept I will always be emotional.  I just am.  But I have to learn to control how I react to things, how I react to frustrations, aggravations, hurts .... I have to get myself together.  I don't like who I have become.  

I admit that I am overwhelmed by a lot of things lately - too many.  Personal things, every day things, work things .... and I am exhausted too.  I physically feel tired.   I know this plays into me "mouthing off", which is probably, no - definitely my worst flaw.  I don't respect that in others - so why am I allowing myself to become this person.

Bitterness?

Have I allowed bitterness to take over my being?   I don't like that idea but I think it is true.

I am a kind person - or used to be.  Now I feel impatient, angry and frustrated by even little things.   I don't lie - that much at least remains the same.  I'm still compassionate.  Except when I let my mouth take over my heart.  

Every time I lose it, MY heart hurts.  My soul hurts.

I just don't know how to stop.    Maybe the bitterness came about because I have kept so much inside me the last few years ... not sharing with people, even people close to me, how I really have felt along the way. , because I have too much stupid PRIDE.   Maybe not releasing the pain, by sharing, turned it into a monster I now struggle to control.

I have to do better.   I want to do better.