Reflections of where I've been and where I am ........

I am fairly certain that I've already had this discussion on this blog .... but who is to say reflecting can only occur once?   In the ebb and flow of this thing we call life, do we not reflect along the way?

Those who have read this blog from the beginning know that after 20+ years of marriage I found myself suddenly in the position of having to support myself and my, then 16 yr old, daughter on my own.

This terrified me.

I had made the choice, that I DO NOT regret, to not obtain a college education after high school.  I made the choice to marry young, have kids and although I worked though-out their lives I never had a "career" per say. I mostly worked to make ends meet never thinking of the future in terms of retirement and such because we had his to rely on.

Uh, surprise.  ;-)

In any event when we first split I was a part-time college student who was working part-time.  I had no idea how I'd make it on my own, how I'd support our child.  Now, don't think he didn't pay child-support, he did.  It wasn't a lot of money, but it was an amount we agreed on, together.  An amount that helped me out but didn't hurt his ability to pay his own bills.

That being said, for the first time in my life I was 100% responsible for everything.  Rent, power, water, groceries ... EVERYTHING.  On my own.

The house we lived in then wasn't great, it was hard to heat and cool because it was an older house with not great insulation.  The neighborhood wasn't pretty and we ended up with a stalker-like situation that eventually had us packing and moving .... but that is jumping ahead just a little.

The rent there was cheap as heck - which is what I had to have at the time. During this time I worked two jobs.  Two retail jobs.  Anyone who has ever worked retail knows how exhausting they can be.   I was  never home and never saw my kids and I fully admit, even now, I had some serious resentment over the cards I'd been dealt.   Not because of having to work hard, I never have and never will have an issue with that, but because I felt I lost my kids a little during this time.  Some of our closeness disappeared.  How could it not?  I was never available.

Eventually I was given a promotion and raise at one of the jobs and was able to quit the second.

This made things easier but not "easy" if that makes sense.

Even now, it isn't "easy" but ya know what?  I am OK with that.

Even now I cannot simply say, "Hey, wanna go see a movie?"  I cannot stroll through a store and simply buy something because it is on sale and I'd like to have it.  I cannot take spontaneous vacations or eat out often.   My meals are planned around what is on sale that week at the store.

Everything is budgeted and it is a darn strict budget.

Maybe I should feel bitter over all of this?  Maybe I should continue to feel anger (because, yes, I have FELT it) at being in this position at my age. But I don't (Ok, OK, I don't 99% of the time). I know a lot of women who get a lot of money as per their divorce settlements.  They do not have to worry about house payments or car payment, they simply pay their "living expenses" themselves.   Maybe I should feel jealous of them?  I don't.  I feel pride in myself.

Is pride wrong?

Maybe I should focus, instead, on the gratitude aspect of it?

I am grateful for that small child-support I DID receive because many, too many, parents do NOT get the help they and their children deserve. I am grateful my kids have two parents who remain involved in their lives.   I am grateful I was ABLE to work those two jobs, unemployment rates are still very high and I know I was BLESSED to work these jobs.   I am grateful that although a lot of luxuries were not and are necessarily a part of my life, I nor my child EVER went without our needs being met.  I am grateful for the luxuries we do have.  I am grateful I was given a promotion. I am grateful this job allows me to build a retirement for my future.   I am grateful I can spend more time with my kids.  I am so very grateful I know that I not only CAN do this -- I am doing this.  On my own.

I know many, many, MANY people have overcome obstacles way larger than my own but I also know that didn't make mine any smaller than they were.