Too much pride

I'm a very private person.  I always have been.  I always say I am "fine" even at times I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck and drug 100 miles down a busy highway.  I have just never been able to discuss my feelings or problems with people.   I have had many friends point this out to me, many friends assure me they are ready, willing and able to listen to me.  They say, "you're there for me, constantly, why can't you allow me to be there for you?".

I don't know why.  Do I have too much pride?

I'm really in a deep struggle right now and feel like I have nobody to talk to because I don't want to share what is going on.   I do not and never will understand why I am this way.

It is like - I can tell people HOW I feel  (sometimes) but I am never comfortable saying WHY I feel that way.   Maybe I am afraid someone will point out how dumb I've been?   Heck, I KNOW that already.  Maybe I just don't want to hear it too?

The bottom line is right now I FEEL like I have been tried and found to be guilty without the benefit of a trial.  I am standing before the firing squad and the bullets are flying ..... and the one person, the person I trusted most in my life, who can say "HOLD UP, she's not guilty, I said and did all those things she claims" will not do it.  Will not do it.   I guess this person is afraid of their own cost, or maybe this person just doesn't care.

This person, for whatever reason, is perfectly OK with watching me stand there and take the bullets. And guess what?  Bullets hurt.   But the bullets do not hurt nearly as bad as watching this person stand there and let me take them.

I decided to suck up my pride and sat down and wrote a very long and detailed account explaining the "why"  but ... it will just create more bullets.  So, I'll never share it.  The only thing that will stop them is this one person who isn't willing.