I definitely find it to be true, well .... for me. I have been lied to for a long, long, LONG time now. Some, I didn't believe, but told myself, and him that I did. Well, that isn't entirely true. It isn't that I didn't believe, it is more that I had doubts ..... I recognized, even then, that some of the "details" in the explanations/words didn't add up. They either made no sense, or they were different (even if just slightly) than what was said before. So, on some level I think I do recognize that all along I "knew" . I think, in hindsight, this quote IS correct about these three "situations". Deep in my heart, I knew, but I believed the lies because I wanted to. Again, for many reasons. Reasons best saved for another day, another post. Maybe.
But that isn't the only thing he said over this time period. There were other things too. Serious things. I sit here now and try to decide if ANY of it was true. Primarily the "love and regret" portion of it all.
In some ways it hardly matters now.
But, I sit here and think, ALL along the stories changed, the confessions happened, the admissions of lies occurred, but the, "I love you and will regret this", NEVER changed. Not one single time. Not once during any of the other admissions did that ever, ever change.
Does that make it true? Or simply the biggest lie he ever told?
I told him just yesterday that I won't even ask if it was (is) true because at this point he could say one of three things: 1. Yes, always true. 2. No, I really thought I was being kind or 3. I do not know, I do not know how I feel or why I said those things.
He could say ANY of those (or something my heart hasn't yet thought of) and I wouldn't believe him. After all of this .... how could I believe a single word?
Which do I believe is true?
Oddly enough .... I think it is "all of the above".
And I think that is what is the biggest contributor to the hell we've both been through for a long, long, time.
Last August, a year ago next month, I finally had to say I needed things finalized, that I could not wait for him to be "ready" any longer. I've had to keep asking since then, many times (that's a whole 'nother post, for another day) for it to happen. Things have even gotten very ugly here and there, because I felt he was content for things to stay as they were (with us), but he also wanted to live his life at the same time. At times that made me feel like his safety net, at times it made me feel like I was tied up before the execution wall, blindfolded and waiting for the "ax to fall", so to speak. I also admit, that stupidly enough, at times, it made me hopeful that one day, he'd find the real him again. Well, after months of pure hell, it is finally here and I am full of questions ... I question every single thing I ever said and did, wondering if it was right or wrong.
Funny, because in my very first post here (Feb. 2011), on this blog, I mentioned ^ in passing. All mention of this issue through-out the last couple of years has been in passing. That whole "too private" stuff I guess. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing things to remain the same for so long. That is probably, in part, why I don't share and remain private.
But, I am also full of hope for tomorrow. Well, most days I am anyway.
Anyway, back to the quote. Am I alone in this? Does anyone else push aside those nagging little thoughts of "Wait, that really doesn't make sense" or "Is this really the truth" and simply believe because they want or need to believe that they want to be true?
No comments:
Post a Comment