I have to stop beating myself up

While, yes, I do regret sending that email I have to stop beating myself up and feeling like a monster by doing so.  

I was thinking about it this morning, trying my best to figure out what drove me to this point and I realized I felt like I was drowning.  

Instinct when drowning is to fight, even though, most of the time if you let go and relax you will rise to the top and float, right?

I went with instinct though.    I felt like I was drowning and he was standing on the bow of a boat holding a life ring ... just holding it and promising to throw it when he was ready.   But .... I was sinking and I was sinking fast ... so I fought to grab hold of that life ring myself.

Right or wrong .... done is done, but I have to, now, not only figure out how to heal from his actions but from my own.