That moment when you realize you've become something you detest

definitely NOT a good feeling!  Hopefully, however, a moment that will lead to healing, peace and growth.

A few days ago I was thinking about all the "stuff" I've been posting about and for the first time my hurt turned to anger.  So much anger and I wanted so badly to say something that was very, very, very ugly and hurtful (to him). I wanted very, very, very badly to share proof (with her), proof I am ashamed of.

Then I realized BOTH of these things are not me.  They are not me.  They are, in fact, WORSE than looking like a liar, when I am not one, because they can truly turn me into something I do not ever want to be.

I am not mean, I am not hurtful, and I am not the kind of person who would do these two things .... but I almost was.  How did I let all of this lead me to that? Or thankfully, ALMOST lead me to that?

I also realized, during this self-examination, that the desire for him to tell the truth is essentially ASKING him to hurt someone else. What kind of person WANTS that?  I'm not that kind of person. Or I wasn't. I don't want to be.

I do not like what I've allowed this to turn me into. Yes, ALLOWED.  I cannot change what he did, I cannot change the words she said, I cannot make him speak the truth, I cannot do anything about any of this except stop letting it change me, for the worse.

Does this mean I am magically OK?  Magically healed?  Magically letting go? Of course not.

Time.  Time will heal these wounds. I have to just give it time.  I have to focus on the good in my life, of which there IS an abundance.  If I really do that time might just speed up .... a little.

As for people thinking I lied (her and her friends) ... those who KNOW me know better and, really, they are the only ones who matter.   My pride can take this beating (and yeah, it is embarrassing to look like what you're not) as long as the people who love me still believe I am who I am.   Honest and true.